In Need of Change

I've moved.

http://deutlich.wordpress.com

Oooh yeah.

If you feel so inclined, feel free to update your readers. ;)

I'm A Lazy Ass

...and I actually really liked this survey. So.. deal with it.

Or something.

(nabbed from mentalTHREESIXTY)

4 Things I did 10 years ago (1998):

1. Saw my very first concert in life. I had just turned 16. It was the Backstreet Boys at the Constitution Hall in DC on January 23. As forgetful as I am, I'm amazed I remember the date so easily.
   


2. I was proving my German teacher wrong by getting a 5 on my AP German test. She initially wouldn't let me advance a level because she swore my grammar sucked that bad. Dumbass.
   


3. I was pining away for Cris. Unfortunately. Talk about a decade of wasted fucking time.
   


4. I started to use driving as an escape mechanism.
   

4 Things I did 5 years ago (2003)

1. I was 21 and started to burn out from both ends. This was my junior year at VA Tech and when the it was over, I took a break from college for a year.
   


2. I was a very heavy pot smoker, going to the extremes of rolling blunts and smoking while at work.
   


3. I worked for a family of Muslims. There are two things wrong with that sentence. Working for families? BAD IDEA. Working for Muslims when I am an atheist? WORSE idea. I have no problems with either, but mixing the two in a work environment just sucks total ass.
   


4. I was still attempting to make things work with Cris. Obviously, I was stupid.
   

4 Things I did yesterday:

1. Obsessively foraged through Radiohead message boards looking for mp3s of live sets, getting updates on the St. Louis show, chatting with fellow RH fans and learning more lyrics.. because holey shit, they have a ton of music.
   


2. Watched Ugly Betty, which made me cry. Watched Grey's Anatomy, which made me cry. And then watched Lost, which STILL has me confused. A lot.
   


3. Cooked salmon with a ginger glaze & made roasted red potatoes
   


4. Downloaded more music. Because I don't have enough...

4 TV shows I love to watch:

1. Grey's Anatomy
   


2. NCIS


3. House
   


4. Heroes & Lost
   

4 Things I love to do:

1. Listen to music
   


2. Buy new music
   


3. Learn new music
   


4. Go to concerts.
   

The Real Reason I'm A Big Prude

I will never have an abortion.

While I support a woman's right to choose and will fight to the finish for said right, I myself could never go through with one.

Of course, one should never say never... but the only possible circumstance that could even bring me to such a thought is being raped.

I truly, truly hope that won't ever happens to me. It HAS happened to friends of mine and I can't even begin to explain how deeply it hurts my heart.

And frankly, I worry about saying things like "never" because I can't really predict the future. I almost feel like I jinx myself when I do it because circumstances change, opinions change, feelings change.. everything fucking changes.

But that's an entirely different story all together.

Back to the point...

I'm not sure why, but I was incredibly young when I understood the "birds and the bees." I wasn't much older when I began to realize the complications associated with it, either.

I think it's because my grandmother was 16 when she had my dad and I saw so many girls in high school get pregnant.

Most of you already know my stance on STDs/STIs and while that is still at the forefront, it's not nearly as scary as getting pregnant. Diseases? Those basically effect only myself (unless, of course, I were to get pregnant after the fact.. again.. whole different story).

I just couldn't cope with the idea of having ended someone else's life for my own personal gain.

I know. I know.

People are in all sorts of different circumstances and it's for this reason that I do not place judgment on other women who have undergone the procedure.

In the same token, I've sat in the waiting room while a friend had an abortion done and that is as close as I ever want to get to that.

I thank my lucky stars that I have a mother in whom I could always confide. That my mom would truly understand. That she would help me in every way possible.

She's been saying so since I was 16 and I've always believed her.

I know not everyone has the same support system. I know that situations vary from person to person.

I know this.

But for me?

It just wouldn't work.

Yes, being as prude as I am can lead to some lonely ass nights.. and I've turned down more men than I care to recall.. but it's the way that I am.

It's something I'm okay with.

It's something I'm actually fairly proud of.

I never want to be faced with such a situation.

Not ever.

I can rant and rave all I want about how unfair it is that dudes can basically stick it where they want with less repercussions than women. On the other side, I've been given reproductive organs for a reason and I don't particularly understand why I would ignore this fact.

It makes me special and I'm honored to have this privilege.

I don't care to take it lightly.

When It Rains, It Pours

I'd like to recount today's events.

• Woke up without a ticket to see Radiohead
• Did the Mother's Day thing early (flowers, card, gift & special brunch)
• Met up with friends at 2:30pm at the Nissan Pavilion - all of us wanted to get seats.
  
• It begins to rain in earnest. The joy.
• We score 5 seats from the box office at about 5pm [ed note: never believe 'em when they say it's "sold out"].
• It's still raining.
• While waiting for the doors to open, all of us continue to get soaked. We try not to let it dampen our spirits.
• Finally, we are allowed in. At this point everyone is sopping wet and freezing cold to boot.
• Radiohead rock our socks of.
• Somewhere along the way I realized that a comment I made on twitter to Um..Yum! came off ridiculously snotty. Of course, I only just figured this out about 24 hours too late. Fark.
• Focused back on the concert and the fact that they played Paranoid Android, Fake Plastic Trees & Karma Police, the two songs that were most worthy of sing-along status as the whole place sang in unison. Special mention goes to All I Need, House of Cards and Idioteque.
  
• Got stupid excited about learning how to work my camera even more, allowing for this:

Then came the drive home... in the pouring rain.

Guess who hit such a nasty slick spot that her car hydroplaned, spun out of control & hit a guard rail?

If you said, "Deutlich," then you would be correct.

Guess who's car is now completely out of alignment?

Yep, still Deutlich.

Guess who still had to drive 20 miles with said car being out of whack?

Mhm, definitely Deutlich.

Oh, and guess who definitely did not budget for a car repair.

..I'm sure you can figure it out.

Letting Bygones Be Bygones

My father and I have had a tumultuous relationship since the day I learned to say, "no!" Well, that's actually a stretch, but it certainly went downhill when I hit my teens.

Looking back on it, the man was always pretty damn good to me. I could've done without the verbal abuse, watching him beat my mom up and hit the bottle so hard that I had to go pick him up from the NCO Club when I was 15...

But that's really neither here nor there.

In growing older and wiser (har, har, har) I've come to the determination that not everything is black and white. There's gray matter on top of a rainbow of other colors.

My dad is a very proud man. I'm not sure I ever realized this when I was younger. Our fights were rough, loud, and never-ending.

I held on to bitter feelings better than the best of 'em.

So did he.

I think that's where I got it from.

Either way, somewhere along the way my father's spirit was broken. I'm not sure if this happened while he was a teen, prior to his marriage with my mom, before my birth or along the way.

He, like I, resorted to substance abuse for support. In my case, it was an assortment of drugs. In his case, it's been a lifelong battle with alcohol. I think watching him go through the motions is what eventually led to my own ability to kick the bad habit. I never wanted to end up like that.

He won't admit to his addiction, though. None of the family can even bring it up to him without his defenses flaring up. But it is definitely true.

From the time he ruined Christmas because of his alcohol binge; to the time he cursed me out at the Thanksgiving table in front of my grandmother; to the time he holed himself up in the basement, consuming large quantities of liquor; only to emerge and pepper my mother with a string of horrible sayings; it's true.

But it doesn't matter.

All right, to an extent it certainly does, but in the grand scheme of things there's just not a whole lot I can do about it.

The man is 52 years old.

What I have chosen to focus on are the times he took my brother and I with him everywhere he went. My favorite was always the second-hand music shop. He would find equipment and I would peruse all the used CDs.

I'm pretty sure I inherited my love of music from him. Actually, I know I did.

I choose to remember the time he held me while I had heat stroke at King's Dominion. You could see the worry written across his entire face.

I want to think about all the times that he made me laugh or smile. I want to be thankful for his exuberance and outgoing nature.

Had it not been for him, I might be a hell of a lot more closed off. Without him, I would never have turned into the woman I am today.

The only thing I want to think of when it comes to my father are the positive things.

While I won't ever forget the stress and trauma we dealt with, I will no longer dwell on it.

In the end, it only hurts me more.

He's the only father I've got and it's taken me a whopping 15 years to finally get to this point.

I'm letting bygones be bygones.

Over It

I'm beyond sick of hearing about Hillary & Obama.

Seriously? This entire back and forth between the two is just grinding my last damn nerve.

I need November so I can place my vote, which won't matter anyway, so that I can keep on bitching.

I have no faith in our political system.

None.

The only reason I vote is because people DIED for me to have this right, being that I'm both black and female.

And yes, while I have nothing positive to say about the current situation, I at least make informed decisions when I do vote.

Regardless, I'm tired of the way things are going.

Mind Over Matter

The twenties are an interesting decade. As a teenager, I'd been warned that things would go awry during this period, but I had no idea how much truth lay in those words.

There's the beginning portion, where we tend to think our shit doesn't stink since we're no longer a "teen." There's the legal consumption of alcohol. Plus, there's moving out and making money for a living, not just to frivolously spend on ourselves.

Then we realize our shit does stink and that money isn't an easy commodity. Some of us get credit cards, others of us learn to save save SAVE. Things get rocky between friends because you're no longer in the cesspool that is high school and no longer have to put on a front.

Then come the mid-twenties, or the Quarter-Life-Crisis.

Oh. The joy.

Shortly thereafter you begin to realize that the thirties are really fucking close and holy crap, what have I been doing for the last 6, 7, or 8 years?!

You can say that I'm coming out of the tailspin that was my quarter life crisis. In doing so, I've discovered that I really liked to fuck myself when there was no need to.

I've moved out, just to have to move back in. I've gotten credit cards to help with books during college, only to realize that those interest rates are a bitch. I've deleted all the riff raff from my life as they did nothing but drag me down.

Nowadays, I am surrounded by a small circle of very good people and a wider circle of folks all around the globe. I kind of enjoy this, although it can be a bit lonely at times.

More importantly, I've organized my entire life for the first time ever. I've pulled on my big girl boots, mucked through all of my financial documents, found an array of things that both make me sad and incredibly proud.

I've also got a real budget... something I've struggled with for years. YEARS. You'd think at 26 I would've had this shit figured out by now, but no. Not I.

The beauty of ignoring my financial situation for so long is the amount of trouble it's landed me in. If it weren't for my mom temporarily assisting me, I'd be royally ass fucked.

And how horribly childish is it of me to get assistance from my mother? Right? Right.

At least I'll have paid her back by the beginning of June.

Anyhow, this budget does not allow for frivolous spending of any sorts. I've done that for so long, I've decided I can take a break from it for the next few months. Vacations are the only exceptions to the rule.

Cigarettes, however, are not. I have not bought a new pack in over a week. I think, of all the good things that have come from these "big girl boots" that is my favorite. I'm still in the early stages of quitting, but it's mind over matter.

I can do this.

I will do this.

Fuck cigarettes, they're too damn expensive anyway, not to mention all the health repercussions..

America's Obsession with Beauty

I don't think I'll ever quite understand the obsessive nature with which people focus on "beauty."

I think what grates me the worst is that some idiot has dictated what "beauty" actually is and everyone else is supposed to just fall in line.

Excuse me?

Say what?

Who made them the Knower of All?

It's obvious there are issues just by walking into the grocery store. Magazines litter the aisles and they're all splattered with photoshopped pictures of men and women who fit this absurd image.

Turn on the television and tv shows have these cookie-cutter women running rampant.

Check out cleaning commercials and more super sleek women, sometimes wearing heels... while CLEANING.

But what really boils my bubble is the pressure put on children. As I was flipping through channels, some show came on about these 5 and 6 year old pageant girls.

Fake hair.

Fake teeth.

Fake faces.

Fake smiles.

It was almost laughable how Barbie-like they looked. Well, if it weren't for how disgusting it was.

They primp and preen and then walk down a stage. They have swimsuit competitions just like the big girls.

What I don't understand is how everyone was able to get their panties in a knot over a fairly innocent photo by Miley Cyrus but no one really cares about these FIVE year olds who prance around half naked, posing with their butts out and shimmying just the way their moms showed them how.

It's disgusting and it sets an impression on these girls that will always stay with them.

I just can't get with it.

People's focus on what looks good on the outside pisses me off to such an extreme I can't properly formulate the words.

The kicker? Vanity is retardedly stupid. Even if we are "prettier" it can go away tomorrow, or even today.

Accidents happen. Burns happen. Scars friggin' happen.

Not to mention that we ALL age. We get wrinkly and saggy and puffy.

I say we all just get over it. It's. part. of. life.

Stop running to botox. Stop cutting yourselves up with plastic surgery. Stop trying to fit into a ridiculous mold that should never have been formed to begin with.

Just learn to be happy in your own damn skin.

Seriously.

Mind Your Own Business

I often wonder what makes people feel they have the right to stick their nose in business that is not their own.

It's gotten to a point now where I really can't handle hearing about a bunch of stuff that doesn't pertain to me. Blogging, naturally, gives us an insight on people's lives and I'm all right with that.

I am the one reading them, after all.

But what I can't get down with is this incessant need to needle the most mundane information out of folks about shit that doesn't matter.

As I was having brunch with my mom and some family friends yesterday, a vast majority of the discussion kept veering towards another family friend's impending marriage.

I've known Marlon for about 18 years, so I am QUITE happy for him. I also think it's adorable that he's made this relationship work despite the fact that she's studying in Texas.

This is sort've where it gets hairy. The parental unit and her friend started yammering about the most nitty gritty details about his fiance's life. What she's studying, where she's from, what she's doing, how sweet she is, etc etc etc.

While I understand that mom's are perpetually nosy - it's written in their job description, I'm sure - I just can't get with it.

I've offended my mother on more occasion than one when exclaiming, loudly, that I "JUST DON'T CARE!"

Because truthfully? I don't.

If Marlon is happy? I'm happy. If Marlon feels she's the one, then so do I. Past that? I don't particularly give two craps about what she's doing or her life story.

Maybe I'm callous. Maybe I'm a jerk.

Maybe I just can't deal with an overload of information that won't affect me one way or the other?

I think, somewhere along the line, I stopped giving a rats ass because I tend to care too much. I would cement myself in situations that I had no business bothering with. I'd try to affect change in other people when I only needed to focus on myself.

Truthfully, I was a nosy ass bitch.

But I learned my lesson... and it was damn hard, might I add. I got burned along the way and stabbed in the back and hurt in more ways than I can describe.

So, now? I just don't want to go there anymore.

Apparently, I've gotten so extreme with it that I've veered in the exact opposite direction I once was heading in.

Maybe I need to learn a happy medium? Then again, I figure worrying about myself, my family & friends is enough. I really don't need to bother with much information past that.

Futures

Last night I saw Jimmy Eat World at American University. I could try to explain how good of a time I had, but there's really no use. I don't think there are enough words in the English dictionary.

I danced. I jumped. I sang along. I got sweaty.

Oh, and I met Rick. He stood out there with us, in the soaking rain, for a fairly long time. I got to shoot the breeze with this man... right after he rocked my socks off.

It. Was. Awesome.

They played all the stuff I really wanted to hear, something I wasn't expecting at all. And the following song seriously hits home right now. I've been playing it en masse for a week.

I, I always believed in futures
I hope for better in November
I try the same losing lucky numbers
It could be a cold night for a lifetime
Hey now, you can't keeping saying endlessly
My darling, how long until this affects me?
Say hello to good times
Trade up for the fast ride
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime take the streets completely
I, I always could count on futures
That things would look up, and they look up
Why is it so hard to find balance
Between living decent and the cold and real
Hey now, what is it you think you see?
My darling, now's the time to disgaree
Say hello to good times
Trade up for the fast ride
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime take the streets completely
Hey now, the past is told by those who win
My darling, what matters is what hasn't been
Hey now, we're wide awake and we're thinking
My darling, believe your voice can mean something
Say hello to good times
Trade up for the fast ride
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime take the streets completely
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime take the streets completely

+++

Um...Yum! - thank you SO much for being my concert buddy last night. Seriously.

They Love To Tell You Stay Inside The Lines

I like to fly by the seat of my pants. When I get a Great Idea, I run with it. Sometimes this works in my favor, other times it does not.

This decision to move to Providence has been at the forefront of my mind since it came to me. I know I said I wouldn't explain why I chose Rhode Island, but I lied.

First off, I took Verybadcat's suggestion and used the website findyourspot.com. It has an incredibly comprehensive questionnaire in which it locates 24 cities that suit your personality and specifications.

At the top of my list was Little Rock, Arkansas. Can I just say? Hell to the no.

While I wouldn't totally be against living in Arkansas, I have a need for coast lines. I was born near the Atlantic and I just can't see myself living in the middle of the country.

There were quite a few other options, but Providence was the one that stuck out the most. I'm not sure why, exactly, but it was a gut feeling.

Then I did a crap ton of research. I checked out the cost of living, its proximity to other big cities, the availability of airports and the general work situation.

If you weren't aware, we're in a recession. It doesn't really matter where I go, the job front isn't looking so hot.

However, I have a shit ton of experience. I also have a hell of a lot of determination. When I put my mind to something, I do it.

The goal is to move in January. Yes, it'll be ass cold and probably ridiculously snowy.

I don't care.

I turn 27 at the end of December. 2009 will be a fresh start, with a fresh age and a fresh outlook.

I've given myself this amount of time because I am going on a ridiculous budget to cut my debt in half. It's not even all THAT bad, unless you count student loans... and if you're like most folks, you've just decided that you'll live with student loan payments the rest of your life. Ha!

Anyhoodle.

Rhode Island has 400 miles of beaches for the summer time and is close enough to other New England states that skiing and such would be quite easy in the winter.

Not only that, but the entire area is gorgeous. GORGEOUS.

Providence, especially, has spruced up its downtown area in the past decade or so and they have a River Walk! With music festivals! And things to do!!

I also love its close proximity to Canada. I mean, it's closer than Virginia, that's for sure.

What I'm doing now is researching insurance costs and taxes. I have no idea how expensive they are in Rhode Island, but I live near DC - I highly doubt it's worse than here.

The most important thing, at this point, is procuring a job. The hunt is on. I realize I might be doing things extremely early but I can't help it. If I don't have a job lined up, I am not moving.

If any of you know of head hunters or employment agencies in Providence PLEASE let me know. Better yet, if you know of any decent companies that I should research, I'm all ears. Monster.com and websites of that nature suck ass. They're riddled with marketing schemes and bad data - so I'd prefer not to use them.

I've been an Accounting Assistant, Marketing Assistant and Program Assistant (among a crap ton of other jobs). I've held a managerial position in the past and I have a plethora of skills that would suit any company. In other words, the world is my oyster. Ha!

No, but seriously, while I am researching employment, I would definitely appreciate any and all tips.

And yes, Maxie is moving with me. It's still so surreal that my negative harpy side keeps poking it's ugly head and saying, "Ha! Right! In your wildest dreams!!"

But.. if there's one thing I do know about Maxie it's that she doesn't make shit up. She says what she means and means what she says.

I'm. Fucking. Excited.

Beatin' A Dead Horse

I'm pretty good at letting things get to me... at not getting over shit. But frankly? I don't need to drag y'all through the mud with me.

So. No more talk on that certain subject. Fuckit, it's over and done with.

I've been tagged by two folks, Slaus (who I think has since deleted the post) and.... someone I can't friggin' remember to save my life! I am SO SORRY! My brain has been all over the place due to a HUGE project at work and yes, sometimes I'm just lame.

On to 6 quirks...

1. I don't like sauces on top of my food. It doesn't matter if it's gravy or salad dressing, it needs to be in a side dish so I can dip my food into it. If a sauce is overpowering the food I become disheartened. I do.
2. I love shows like Rob & Big, Intervention, Gene Simmons Family Jewels, The Amazing Race, Top Chef and Hell's Kitchen. I pretty much loathe all other reality TV. A few exceptions apply, but they're rare. I also love That's So Raven and Avatar, the Last Airbender (damn them for not airing the next show, it's been months).
   
3. Something ugly or bad that happened in the past will bug me out for AGES. Sometimes it'll still get under my skin years later. I'm slick like that.
4. I love to randomly speak in German. It freaks people out. I do NOT look German.
5. I drive my car, I do not let it drive me. This means a few things: I'm a pedal-to-the-metal type of chick. I have more road miles under my belt than the average Joe and I drive a MANUAL. I don't care how bad DC traffic gets - I must have control of my car. Automatics are for wimps.
   
6. I can be kind of flighty. I'll stop in the middle of a conversation and break out in song, or mention something completely off topic, or just drift off. It's a bad habit. I'm working on it.

I'd tag folks, but I'm not sure who's done it. If you're down for the count - please feel free.

On an unrelated note, I'm making plans to move to Providence, RI. I need a new area. An area that I have no previous ties to. A place with four seasons and a night life and is on the East Coast.

It's time to make a move.

The plan is as follows:
1) Kill debt.
2) Kill debt.
3) Get a job.
4) Find a place.

For the first time in my life, this thought of leaving actually feels right and I think it'll actually come to fruition. So far, Maxie's on board too. How killer would THAT be?

Exactly.

I've had 50 million people ask me why I picked Providence... but in all reality, does it matter?

No. It doesn't.

I picked it 'cause I can.

Ha!